Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
