My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
