I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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