need another drink. this is the easiest way
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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