Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
