I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
