I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I just threw up on my dentist
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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