remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
