i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
