i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
