i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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