I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
