we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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