that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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