I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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