so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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