You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
