Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
