i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
