i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
