Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
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