oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Randomize
