So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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