Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
