Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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