i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
