Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
