she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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