Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
