Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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