Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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