ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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