Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
