I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
