I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
