I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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