she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
