You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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