You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
