Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
You smell like a Billy Joel song
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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