sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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