This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
