the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
