well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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