i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
