Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
