I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
