Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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