So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
