my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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